Who's Going to Top?
by ClassyAsBollocks
Summary: Denmark and Netherlands wonder which of them would top in a relationship. Since both of them are manly men used to giving and not receiving, this is obviously a dilemma. Their awkward attempts are rectified (no pun intended) by Hungary, who kicks down the door and forces one of them to be the uke whether they like it or not. Note: I love yaoi, but parodying it is too fun.


**Disclaimer: I own not Hetalia, but this idea. Which probably isn't a good thing to own now that I really think about it.**

Netherlands stared at Denmark. Denmark stared at Netherlands. The two wore identical expressions of bewilderment.

"So…Who's going to be on top?" Denmark asked after a long awkward moment.

Netherlands scratched his head. "The hell if I know. Honestly, neither of us seems like the type to be bottoming, you know?" He admitted.

Denmark sat down on his living room couch and sighed. After a minute, he jumped to his feet, looking frantic.

"Oh shit, you're right! We're both way too manly to submit to the other!" He began to pull at his already wild hair, mussing it up so that it stood up in directions that didn't even exist rather than simply just every direction. The non-Euclidean geometry of those angles Denmark created was apparently the R'hyleyan symbol for 'Come on out', because at that moment time and space split apart to rip open a portal to another dimension, but since the aforementioned portal wound up being opened in New York City, he and Netherlands didn't have to worry about the fact that he'd just summoned Cthulhu.

Meanwhile, over in New York, America woke up, stretched and ambled over towards the window while scratching his crotch, only to catch sight of a bestial face with gleaming scarlet eyes and a writhing mass of tentacles hanging from what he assumed was the lower jaw staring at him through his 42-story window.

"Oh shit."

Back in Copenhagen, Denmark was pacing the length of his sitting room and babbling hysterically about how he was too manly to do the spread. Netherlands, on the other hand, had long since dissolved into the blissful state that he referred to as "Not giving a single fuck", and was currently smoking his pipe and watching lesbian schoolgirl porn.

"I just wanted to give bromosexuality a try, but neither of us is willing to bend over!" Denmark suddenly screamed, causing a light fixture swinging overhead to fall and just barely miss his head.

Netherlands waved a hand at him irritably. "Shut the fuck up, I'm watching porn," he said absently while munching on a slice of bread topped with hagelslag.

Denmark blinked. "Dude, you're so gonna get diabetes."

"Ja, sure. Get me some more butter," Netherlands muttered in-between chews.

Denmark shrugged, went into the kitchen, took a 500-gram package of butter out of the refrigerator, and tossed it at Netherlands, who raised up his right hand and caught it like a champ. Denmark sighed; he'd been hoping to hit the other man in the face. Not the groin though; that was against the bro code.

Settling on the sofa again, he stared at the television screen, which featured two short, busty girls with pigtails and extremely abbreviated Catholic school uniforms having a pillow fight. Denmark sighed again. "How come _we're _not like that?" He asked Netherlands, who somehow managed to pull his eyes away from the television long enough to shrug.

"Well for one, this place is a fucking pig sty. Seriously, the grout in your bathroom has to be some sort of health hazard; I think it's becoming sentient. And two, neither of us is sufficiently feminine or secure enough in their masculinity to bottom," Netherlands ticked off on his fingers. He paused, looking thoughtful. "Like, in theory, having sex with you sounds like a good idea. But actually doing it…

Denmark nodded. "Yeah, it's like, I'd feel the need to high-five and congratulate you. One of us would be pumping the other like a boss, and then we'd both like, light up in recognition of the fact that we're getting laid and we'd both be like "Dude, we're totally getting some!" and we'd high-five or do a jumping chest bump or something."

Netherlands snorted. "And then we'd both make eye contact and start cracking up, we'd high-five again and do a complicated hand-shake that ends with a fist-bump, then we'd both roll over and agree not to cuddle." He ran a hand through his hair. "Actually, that sounds pretty awesome," he conceded.

"It does," Denmark began. "But this brings us back to square one: Who's going to bend over?" The silence that followed was so pregnant that it must've given birth to octuplet's and then a chest-bursting alien.

"Oh hell no," they both said at the same time.

"Do I _look _feminine to you?"

"Put your dick near my ass and I'll tear your sack off and make you wear it like a fucking clown nose."

Denmark settled back into the sofa cushions. "Damn. I gotta use that clown nose one sometime. And see, that's the problem! We're too manly to bottom!"

"No shit Sherlock; I can only see myself giving it to another guy, not taking it." Netherlands stared up at the ceiling. "Before you ask, I can't see myself sucking another guy off either. You can blow me, though," he said as an afterthought.

Eyes wide, Denmark leapt over the back of the couch, grabbed a nearby table lamp, and brandished it like a sword. "Uh-uh. _You _give _me _a blowjob, not the other way around!" He shouted indignantly.

Netherlands stroked his jaw. "I think I have an idea."

"What is it?" Denmark asked, looking curious.

"Wanna sixty-nine?" Netherlands suggested.

Denmark put down his lamp. "Eh, why the hell not?" He shrugged.

The next fifteen minutes involved the two of them taking the piss out on one another with such quips as "I bet your junk looks like a Cheeto and two peas," and "Do you tongue-punch your mother with that mouth? Because I DO!", which should've served as a warning for what was to come.

By the time they'd managed to sufficiently mock one another's apparently medically hilarious genitalia and Oedipus complexes, the two found themselves facing another dilemma: Who would crawl on top of the other while they sixty-nined?

Once again, Denmark and Netherlands found themselves having a stare-down, only this time they were both naked, which both increased the drama and the hilarity of the situation to over 9,000. Fortunately, it was resolved quickly with Netherlands' logic, which was sort of surprising since he'd been smoking weed, but then again, Denmark had years of alcohol-use and head injuries inflicted on him by Sweden under his belt, so yeah.

"You're shorter, so you have to crawl on top of me," Netherlands pointed out, not unreasonably. Alas, Denmark still did his best petulant child reaction.

"But, it's the _girl _who goes on top!" He whined.

"Exactly," Netherlands said, lying down on the couch. "Hurry up, I'm losing wood," he added.

Muttering, Denmark crawled atop of him, eye twitching slightly when Netherlands' erection poked him in the forehead. Meanwhile, Netherlands was having an issue of his own, mainly…

"God damn it, get your balls out of my face NOW; they smell like an Edam-ripening factory! When's the last time you showered, the Bronze Age?!"

Denmark grinned at this sudden turn of events, seeing prime opportunity to fuck with Netherlands in a more metaphorical sense of the term. "Well gee, I'm sorry that not all of us are clean freaks who comb their ball hairs through with shampoo and conditioner. If my Nutsack smells so bad...Taste the wrath of my big Viking balls, BITCH!" With that, he began to move his pelvis in such a manner that caused his scrotum to repeatedly slap Netherlands in the face. Laughing, Denmark looked over his shoulder and thumbed his nose at the irate Dutchman. "Hey Netherlands, tell me how my ass tastes! Oh man, this is fucking-

His taunts turned into a choking gasp as Netherlands promptly punched him directly in his woefully unprotected balls. Eyes watering, Denmark keeled over onto the floor, where he lay in a foetal position, clutching his abused junk.

Netherlands wasn't done however, for he promptly knelt beside him and began to suffocate him with one of the sofa cushions while ranting about how no jury would ever convict him after what he'd just suffered. Before he could finish asphyxiating Denmark, the door was kicked down with a resounding crash, to reveal Hungary standing in the doorway, skillet in one hand and camcorder in the other.

Denmark blinked. "Whoa, threesome? Awesome!"

Hungary shook her head, eyes glinting in a manner that caused both men to shudder. Her grip on the skillet tightened as she raked her gleaming green gaze over them. "You two. Commence the hot butt-sex. _Now._" She ordered in a clipped tone.

Denmark and Netherlands shrunk beneath her hungry glare.

"But…we…Neither of us…

"Who's supposed to top…

Reaching into her apron, Hungary pulled out a coin. "Heads Denmark's on top, tails Netherlands is on top." She flipped the coin, sending it spinning up into the air. Denmark and Netherlands looked up at it with bated breath, knowing that the sanctity of their masculinity rested on the turn of the coin.

Hungary caught the coin. "Tails," she said. Netherlands smirked. Denmark looked disbelievingly from one smug nation to the other.

Hungary raised her pan threateningly when she noticed him shuffling towards the staircase.

"Bend over, spread your cheeks and lift your sack," she commanded.

Whimpering, Denmark did so, his horror spiking when he saw her turn on the video camera.

"It's funny, neither of you are sufficiently uke to be on the bottom," Hungary said thoughtfully as she angled the camcorder.

"Exactly!" Denmark shouted. "This was just a social experiment!"

Hungary shrugged. "Well, think of this as payback for all of the times you raped Sweden," she said.

"That was consensual! And only like, five times!" Denmark argued.

"Look, I just want to see some guy on guy action. True, I'd prefer it if one of you were an archetypical uke, but this will have to do," Hungary informed him.

"But…I like giving, not receiving!" Denmark shouted.

Hungary, however, was no longer listening to him. Instead, she pointed at Netherlands, who had replaced his scarf so that it dangled in front of his bits, providing him with some vestige of modesty.

"Lube up your good and plenty's and be back here in five," Hungary told him.

Netherlands shrugged. "Whatever," he said, ambling up the stairs and looking oddly detached.

Hungary squealed. "Ooh, this is going to be so hot!"

Denmark hung his head in defeat. "I could really use a deus ex machina right about now…"

"Too bad, you're not getting one," Hungary informed him as Netherlands' footsteps began to sound down the steps. She smiled placidly. "Have you got the 40-centimetre dildo?" She asked.

Netherlands waved a horrifically oversized rubber pseudo-phallus that looked as though it had been made from the moulding of a horses' genitals. Denmark's eyes nearly popped out of his skull.

"Holy…"

Denmark slammed the musty old book shut, sending a puff of dust into the air. "And that's why you hire prostitutes instead of asking your friends to experiment with you," he told Sealand, Wy, Ladonia, Kugelmugel, Liechtenstein, and Latvia, who were sitting around him in a circle and looking stunned.

"Is that why you're holding an icepack to your butt?" Sealand asked.

Denmark nodded. "Yeah, I'm leaking like a faucet," he said, causing the younger nations to stare at one another with varying expressions of horror. "So yeah," he continued, "the doctor said that I've only got two more surgeries to go and my asshole should be good as new!"

Latvia raised his hand, trembling slightly. "Uh, has this negatively coloured your view on same-sex relations?" He said timidly.

"Psh, fuck no! I'm totally gonna do Sweden once I'm done telling you little fuckers this story!" Denmark announced loudly.

Sweden stepped out of kitchen, wearing an apron and his usual severe expression. "Stop scaring the children, Denmark," he sighed.

"Aww, but it's fun!" Denmark whined.

"More fun than getting laid?"

"….Point taken. All right you brats, fuck off, Daddy's about to be made a very happy man."

"But I live here!" Sealand argued as the rest of the kids began to file out of the house.

Denmark scratched his head. "Well, unless you wanna be made wise to the ways of the world, you might wanna go to your room."

"Duly noted," Sealand said quickly, and raced up the staircase so fast that he seemed like little more than a blue-and-white blur.

Back in Budapest, Hungary put down her knitting, sniffing the air with a crazed look in her eyes. "A disturbance in the force…I smell _yaoi!" _That being said, she snatched up her video camera, threw together an overnight bag mostly filled with sex toys and ran out of the door to catch the nearest flight to Stockholm.

The End.

**A/N: The only thing I love more than yaoi is parodying it. **


End file.
